Jewel & Sapphire™

Tears rolled down today . . . i don't know why . . . even blogging it out makes me teary . . .

It's just a normal day today... after work, go get some stuff and had lunch with a dear friend. Went to Dr Carmen's historic moment too. Mother of CT. Hehe...

Well was chatting with a friend till a senior come over to ask questions that has relation to her research bout leaning skills and change. Things brought me back to the ugly past... all awful memories surfaced and i don't know why... i really don't know why in such a normal conversation that somehow somewhere my heart... got hurt. It's not really hurt... somehow it's more like a self-disappointment or remembering how i failed and didn't do well.

There was turbulence inside me and now im still feeling it... Of all people why do i have such a character? Maybe it's wrong to say that im the only one who have problems and that no other people has it. But well im a guy... n majority or all the guys i know... i think im d weakest emotionally...

I was told im a good person. Somehow i do now like to be called a good person cos i know i am not. God knows how bad i am... maybe i just deserve this life that is so full of challenges. I do now blame God or anyone that i have a poor life, i do not blame my parents or anything. It's just life that is happening around us. Just today i went to Midvalley with my friends. I saw this middle aged men begging with his head on the floor.

The sight of him makes me really sad. To what point must he degrade himself to such state. Why must there exist such people? Maybe its because i never see this kind of things in Brunei... but i do know how much it takes to lay there n beg. Being emphatic.... put yourself in their shoes.

I do now know if the beggar is a fake or not... but if its real... why? why? why? Maybe im just silly... but that is how my character is... sendiri pun susah... kenapa mesti tolong orang???

I've actually decided to stop donating money but well maybe i will do other things. Buy food for them like i did last time...??? Sometimes i wish to help them but yet i am afraid...i don't know why...

back to my original story... well i just felt weak today again.Sigh... I just hope my parents will do well. Fruits will bloom beautifully... just hope things will be okay as well as my younger brothers...

It's strange and true that the eldest in the family tends to make a lot of sacrifices... in the past i used to think in a way that let me work n let my younger bro hav a better life... somehow its silly now... i don't know...

Now being finally mature. I only worry two persons in my life other than myself. My father and mother... My dad, i know he is lonely... having a useless son like me and not talked to him much since 1997 and always causing financial problems to him and a lot of nuisance. I know how to think now... though not efficient enough. But all i wish is just that my dad will be healthy and new friends or people will come to him. Strangely i always felt a tear when i talked to my dad. I don't understand then... but now i do. i lacked a fatherly love? Sometimes i also teared when my dad laughed and was happy... im just happy for him. But forever im just a coward... i hope i will make a change... Hope God will make a change...

Mother... yeah my mom... sometimes i don't understand why my mum is so kind. She gives a lot but is not willing to take. I've been trained that way since i was small. Give a lot and take less. I practiced it and somehow i still don't understand. My mother is so un-selfish. She is a great person. Well, most mothers are to other people... i can't do much to make my dad happy, but well i can do something for my mum at least. Buy a rose for my loh. Haha... that's what i'll do when i have the chance to go back.

As myself... the future is bleak. I see nothing but i do have ambitions. But first, i must settle myself first and so far im doing well except financially...

12.45 now... should be sleeping now else miss bittergourd will ignore me. ><

Today i would like to thank Yu Hua, Cindy, Vianna and Victor. That's all. ^^