Ugly Duckling  

Monday, January 28, 2008

A touching and my favourite children story. Why? It's meaningful. Just that no matter how people will hate you, hurt you ... one day you will become someone great. Life is full of challenges and up and downs. Like the ugly duckling, one day he will fly and conquer the skies. And one day i hope... i will conquer what i want...

1) I want a life with you Sweet Misty Flower / Miss Bittergourd. ^^ . Forever...

2) I want my parents to have a good and fulfilling life...

3) A decent life... ^^

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A tiring month...  

Yes it's a tiring month for me this beginning of the year. Need a lot of adjustments to do. Today had a painful injury. I was rushing to uni when sudden my card fly and landed under someones car. When i go down n stretch to pick it up, a jolt of pain spread across my right part of my body. Couldn't move much and i was like walking cacatly to uni. Ouchy and somehow the pain went a bit to my heart and head. Don't know what nerves i bend when i got the muscle spain. Worse than i had in genting...

Wasn't feeling so good again. Sigh. What a messy life to chase after and mend. The financial planning i intend to go was cancelled cos i lack some requirements. boohoo... had to wait till april to attend it. Skipped class inevitably today. SOrry Miss Angie and Hardev... It wasn't intentional...!!! ><

Mentally tired for quite sometime. How silly i am too think too much. Though my mum assured me things... and a dear friend too. Yet i still find it hard not to worry because i am part of the problems that is hanging in my life.

But i will be strong tho... well even if i am not,i had too. Even if i had to lie to myself that things will be alright... because i have an important journey to go through and some other important aspects in life to achieve. Hell no i ain't gonna be weak and a sober...

Sigh... it rained again today. Is it a good or bad sign? I don't know.

Here i would like to thank " HER " for her emotional support during the last two days. A very caring and good friend indeed. ^^

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Carl's Jr  

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Once you have a bite of Carl's Jr... you will never touch Mcdonald or Burger king anymore... or simply any other fast food chains. Trust me.

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When tears fell ... again...  

This morning tried to call my dad and told him how i feel but somehow i failed tho. Then i called my youngest brother to help me tell my dad. Turns out that my youngest bro also told my dad bout things and he got scolded. Haha... this eventually created me a fear that i also scared to call back. Then my mum called back and i told my mum to told my dad lo. Silly me... broke to tears on the phone. Well i felt better when my mum comforted me...

Arhg.. now my eyes are bloodshot red and tired... i hate it when people say men shudn't cry. it's so sexist... aren't men humans too? Wonder why must society does not allow men to cry. Maybe im just emotionally weak and sensitive. Lacked love and touch and attention. I don't know... maybe thats why i enjoy solitude?

Sigh... not feeling so good now... signing off...

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When tears fell ...  

Tears rolled down today . . . i don't know why . . . even blogging it out makes me teary . . .

It's just a normal day today... after work, go get some stuff and had lunch with a dear friend. Went to Dr Carmen's historic moment too. Mother of CT. Hehe...

Well was chatting with a friend till a senior come over to ask questions that has relation to her research bout leaning skills and change. Things brought me back to the ugly past... all awful memories surfaced and i don't know why... i really don't know why in such a normal conversation that somehow somewhere my heart... got hurt. It's not really hurt... somehow it's more like a self-disappointment or remembering how i failed and didn't do well.

There was turbulence inside me and now im still feeling it... Of all people why do i have such a character? Maybe it's wrong to say that im the only one who have problems and that no other people has it. But well im a guy... n majority or all the guys i know... i think im d weakest emotionally...

I was told im a good person. Somehow i do now like to be called a good person cos i know i am not. God knows how bad i am... maybe i just deserve this life that is so full of challenges. I do now blame God or anyone that i have a poor life, i do not blame my parents or anything. It's just life that is happening around us. Just today i went to Midvalley with my friends. I saw this middle aged men begging with his head on the floor.

The sight of him makes me really sad. To what point must he degrade himself to such state. Why must there exist such people? Maybe its because i never see this kind of things in Brunei... but i do know how much it takes to lay there n beg. Being emphatic.... put yourself in their shoes.

I do now know if the beggar is a fake or not... but if its real... why? why? why? Maybe im just silly... but that is how my character is... sendiri pun susah... kenapa mesti tolong orang???

I've actually decided to stop donating money but well maybe i will do other things. Buy food for them like i did last time...??? Sometimes i wish to help them but yet i am afraid...i don't know why...

back to my original story... well i just felt weak today again.Sigh... I just hope my parents will do well. Fruits will bloom beautifully... just hope things will be okay as well as my younger brothers...

It's strange and true that the eldest in the family tends to make a lot of sacrifices... in the past i used to think in a way that let me work n let my younger bro hav a better life... somehow its silly now... i don't know...

Now being finally mature. I only worry two persons in my life other than myself. My father and mother... My dad, i know he is lonely... having a useless son like me and not talked to him much since 1997 and always causing financial problems to him and a lot of nuisance. I know how to think now... though not efficient enough. But all i wish is just that my dad will be healthy and new friends or people will come to him. Strangely i always felt a tear when i talked to my dad. I don't understand then... but now i do. i lacked a fatherly love? Sometimes i also teared when my dad laughed and was happy... im just happy for him. But forever im just a coward... i hope i will make a change... Hope God will make a change...

Mother... yeah my mom... sometimes i don't understand why my mum is so kind. She gives a lot but is not willing to take. I've been trained that way since i was small. Give a lot and take less. I practiced it and somehow i still don't understand. My mother is so un-selfish. She is a great person. Well, most mothers are to other people... i can't do much to make my dad happy, but well i can do something for my mum at least. Buy a rose for my loh. Haha... that's what i'll do when i have the chance to go back.

As myself... the future is bleak. I see nothing but i do have ambitions. But first, i must settle myself first and so far im doing well except financially...

12.45 now... should be sleeping now else miss bittergourd will ignore me. ><

Today i would like to thank Yu Hua, Cindy, Vianna and Victor. That's all. ^^

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How's things?  

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Well it's been positive lately other than giving myself pressure. Chinese New Year is approaching and well... see how things goes...

Education has been improving lately where i guess i had been right on track regularly. Again a self reminder... Straight A!!! keke

Relationships... i don't know... just hope for the best...

doucments... ouch... there is still a lot i haven handle. LOUIS!!!!!!!!!

Dreams.... weird nightmares....go away go away...

health... not good but i'm aware of it...

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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

I've been having nightmares lately... really gross and tiring ones that i woke up tired as well. It's like u ran a hell lot and used a lot of ur energy in your dream and you wake up carrying the tiredness with you...

Hm~ if only we could exercise in our dreams and wake up getting slimmer...haha...

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A long day...  

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Today went MV with my roomate. Gotta haircut today n bought a new body glove bag. Lots of things to buy but no $$ nia. Haha. Had a lousy and expensive lunch as well. BUt compliments to the chicken n the sauce la. Oh Motorola Motorola. I want a flip Motorola phone... V series....Whn am i going to get my hands on them...

My health problem went big today. Ouchy. Wonder if there is a quick cure other than an operation tho.


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Saturday, January 19, 2008

Ouch Ouch Ouch
That what my heart feels....
Whatever it's going on...
oh dear oh dear...

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Seminar...and others  

Today had a seminar where my EL seniors are presenting their thesis. starts from 8 till 1 plus? and i was so reluctant to go. Reluctant to wake up i must say.hehe... learned a lot from the seniors especially one lady called Kym who inspired me. When you got ur materials, make full use of it. Her presentation was a bit "operatic can dramatic?" i don't know what word to describe it tho... haha... I had an idea of what my thesis would be already. Well it's on my mind since i step into UTAR and good ideas keep on moving in.


I realized i had a choice. A blurred choice in life. I had a vision that both two are possible with one 65% possible and the other 30% possible. It's hard but guess i just had to play my roles properly and see how it goes. Like my other friends who made it successfully. No use planning so much now cos it might change in the future. I don't know. There are certain things in life that needs planning. For security reasons and self-motivation.


Jealousy? It is unnecessary. But i do need some good memories to keep myself alive as well. i've no right to ask for more tho since i made a mistake unerasable... :(


CNY . . . an auspicious day. I pray my family happiness and windfall on them.


There is this someone that i feared but took pity on. I cared for that person but at the same time feared that person. I wonder what will become of that person in the future. But i glad that someone can still look after that person academically. I do feel ashamed that i always avoid that person, people may hate me for that but i don't blame them for not understanding. Least i still played my role for caring tho people don't know. Just hope that God will do something for that person. Maybe i can too but well... if i have the capabilities.


Having nightmares twice in a week that affected me the whole day. But glad it didn't surface up lately. Been sleeping well these two days. ^^ Part time is tiring too having to yada yada the whole day. haha...


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sweet mist...  

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Sweet Mist floating around my secret garden,
your presence is a blessing keeping me alive,
Happy that you visited my garden often,
moisturing all plants making them grow...

I hope the wind would not blow you away.
So you still stay in this place i call happiness,
blurring away all my problems and doubts,
and addicting me with your scent...

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A tiring day...  

Was very tired today and i don't know why... i did slept early and wake up early tho.. must be the sour dream that drained me. Haha... today had LT and sociolinguistic class. LT was fun and i like the teacher having something in common. Makes me feel i'm back home with his style of teaching. Reminds me of Sr Sunil.^^

Socio was interesting but the lecturer....reminds me of Mrs Ho.. i wonder if they're cousins. Haha.... was real tired and erm... that i had to leave early. Was walking home none stop and it seems that my house is getting further and further...

Got home straight away fell asleep on the sofa... and not long after noises started to accumulate from my roommates. Argh i feel like flunging him off the balcony..

Seems that i've been blogging everyday and that this act had been a hobby... or probably a way for me to let go of things... but had to be careful with what i wrote since it may be misleading....

Sigh~ tomorrow morning got BK A at 8 am... how i am so reluctant to go.. T_T

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sweet and sour dream  

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

i had a sweet and sour dream today... the sourism hurts till i wake up.Haha... and it's only a dream and don't know why it carries the pain together. ==" how silly...

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16/1/2008 - a special day?  

Something funny happen today.... bird shit landed on my head this morning when i go to work. What luck. A sudden "thump" on my head and when i feel it on my head... no doubt what it is... irony is that i just talk about it in my blog not long ago...

OT today till 7.30.... wa... so hungry and boss belanja us cold pizza. haha... a new part timer signed in today and haha... she is a pretty gal from brunei too. Same school but 3 years my junior la...

When i go home today... another funny thing happen. Don't know whether if it is reflex or something but i just buy tissue paper from this beggar and gave him extra rm1. when i walk quite a distance... a lot of things sudden shoot into my mind and i turn back to a breadshop called cottage something... bought a donut bread and gave it to the beggar. It was really WEIRD i tell ya... a sudden feeling went through me later. a feeling like when you almost teared but it won't come out. but i was happy then that i know im doing something good.

Was in the bus when i go back... there wasn't much people around except a group of friends in front chatting. Looking at them makes me envious a lot.Haha... how i wish i could laugh like them... somehow i forget a lot of things.... forgot how to laugh like mad... or simply don't dare to laugh...

How i wonder the days that pass through my life... will it be better or will it be more challenging...?

Pink Tulip growing among all sorts of flower,
how i wish i could pick you up and take you home,
but doing that will hurt you and your friends will miss you,
I pine for your acceptance but could only gaze behind you...

If only i could be another flower growing up beside you,
Protecting you from the sun and shading you from the rain,
when the wind blows i will tangle you with me not letting you go,
For you are one flower that i desired most...

Hoping you will give me a space for me to grow old with you,
For there is nothing else important to me other than you,
I am concerned with the future of us,
be with rain, sun, wind or thunder...

Let me be the one to cover you and protect you...


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Results out!  

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Yeap result was out and i was a bit happy yet disappointed. Got B for literature where i shoud have got an A and happily i pass my japanese. Cgpa still quite low but this semester im going to get STRAIGHT A. Don't believe it? Well hardwork pays off and so i am working hard now. ^^

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Sorry i wish i could... T_T  

Monday, January 14, 2008

Friends keep on asking me when ami going back Brunei.. if im going back for Chinese New Year... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's so tired answering this's like one person asking more than three times and everytime they ask it just hurts a lot...T_T

Wish i could taste my grandma's dishes again. Fried shark fin, pork ribs, sea cucumbers, "cow veins" another favourite, duck soup, "spicy pickled vege soup" and deep fried prawns...

I wonder how i would spend those my new year this year... probably go Seremban or Sg Long and meet up my richy relatives which i had a phobia with.... scared lel..

Just had a chat with sharen, my old friend. Vain vain and always ask bout sociolinguistics. keksin eh ren....and you still owe me the pic where u wore the korean costume..

My youngest bro just went to Sabah today... go there study alone. worried about him ler... and my mm more worry cos she once said "this brother of urs ah, if let go will not come back ady..." dunno ler... he better come back or i whack him.. haha...

Lately my energy drains very soon... i dont know why but my friend said it was probably emotional drainage. Haha... i think its my diet ler.... im quite happy tho.... and anticipated with "some" things....

WIth faith i hope things will be alright...

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Day one of second week  

Things are going so far so good except with minor issues. Had to control my sensitivity. Bought a new organiser and i must admit it makes my life easier. I shud have listen to my friends advice long long time ago... look at me then... always in a mess that my stress aura destroyed my everything... and eventually lost everything...

Anyway, things are getting better slowly i hope. Most important is academics still. I pray for strength that i will not suddenly start delaying. God Bless.

Left only one thing that revolves around me. Don't know would it be a yes or no. Wah seh... louis louis...

Again here i prayed my parents well. My youngest bro had left for Sabah today. He is on his own now. I hope my dad would be proud in a sense that all his sons had gone somewhere... tho i have not done well in KL here. But i always make sure and this sem i will make sure i will get straight A.

I miss my mum... hope i will remember buying a rose for her if i got chance to go back.... and my dad... i hope i dare to ask for forgiveness and say thanks. Of all in our lives.. family values are most important. Looking back i've not been a very good son.... somehow i matured at a very late age... haha. least i know how to decide and plan for things now.


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Sad and angry?  

Sunday, January 13, 2008

IM sad and angry now... just about some things that revolve in my life. It's just that i don't understand why it happens on me... The moment you are doing you're very best, planned everything so well that it is idealistic.... and guess what? It turned you away... i guess maybe i'm... sigh.... wtf...

Sometimes i just wish that people just let things as they are. Can't they RESPECT and MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS??? Why must i or we live under your conditions? WHO ARE YOU to decide on the lives of other people? SO selfish... so stupid... im so... tired now...

However... least i know what i want... though maybe i will not get what i want...

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Introducing Cindy  

Introducing CInDyBaBy.XD Shes ma coursemate and friend and one reason i adore this friend as well is because we almost share the same mind? Well she is one of those few persons who can make my brain stuck for a moment. Or maybe a friend that can talk about almost everything openly.Haha... i remember when we first know each other and our friendship starts with "********" Haha... oh dear.That is high profile case.Cindy Cindy...i love you.Haha...she was also one of those friend i celebrate my birthday at the mamak together with Choy Mun, SzeSze and Jothi... anyone else? I don't remember tho. I think i also had quarreled with this gal before. regarding what i don't remember la.keke

At times we chatted "critical" issues and i think one of them that i remember well is when PC fair is around. Was talking about Looks and that pretty looking gals would sell more and men would go for pretty gals often to buy things. Well she was wrong cos im more a tacticion. Go for ugly lookin ones and flirt with them... then maybe i would get a better discount. MUAHAHA...!

Don't know what else i can talk about her but she is one of those great friends. Thanks Cindy. Kaka XDXDXD

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A bite at Midvalley foodcourt  

I been to the midvalley foodcourt a number of times and finally got the chance to take some pics. Was walking around and bumped into my friends there. I had fried glass noodle and rojak mamak. Was damn hungry that day... havin only gulped oats and starved till 2. Bus was slow...

After lunch had a walk around with Cindy, CC and Vianna around... and then we had Baskin Robbins. It was grrrrrrrreat! I had Rum and Raisins, Vianna had Green Tea and Cindy had High Class Chocolate. We each had a bite of each others ice cream and they are simply awesome. Pumpkin Cheese and Mint was great too.

Well lingered there till dunno when since it was raining heavily. Got home bout 7pm plus and then waiting for some mission to be completed. ><

It was a tiring day physically and emotionally. Phew ~ Just went to church today and it lasted 3 hours.Too long, i was expecting a silent prayer where we just sit and pray but those people... were sorta wild... it's like going for a concert ya know.

Been tired for a week in a row and im waiting for a few more days before i can totally rest. Results... damn... when will it ever come out?

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Planting the seed of love  

Friday, January 11, 2008

The seed of love i plant,
on the unstained pure soil,
tending it carefully
hoping it will grow...

As time goes by...
strong winds blow
and insects come attacking,
making growing for the plant tough...

but there always is me there...
protecting it from the rain and all
for i hope one day the flower will bloom,
giving me sweet scents and loving me...

The only flower in the world,
i wish to grow old with you...
hoping that one day you will..
accept my endless love...

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End of first study week...  

Well it's friday and i've met all the lecturers. The subjects were all tough and well i think we need to read a lot as well. It's mostly theory and time based and so we need to read a lot. I particularly like Mr. Renu, a cool teacher. Haha... Others ok ler.. subjects... i think i can do well in all as long as i study regularly.


Nothing to worry much except some abstract problems,letting it out to a dear friend makes me felt better.... Silly Louis... that's what she's been calling me often lately... haha...

Sometimes it hurts when people think you're not smart... well im not stupid, just lazy.... this semester gambateh lo ~ hardwork pays off as they say and you get luckier as you work harder...

Been blogging almost everyday lately... don't know why... maybe its a way to let go everything here since a friend had been busy lately i basically have no one to share with... can't let everything out here as well.. my feelings and thoughts are often controversial...

Well not alone tho. Khatib yesterday chatted with me with his problems... said i suck at cheering up. Still so honest and so straight forward and thinking of others... sorry being too honest dude. I can't bear lying and giving false hopes... but well you didn't choose the wrong person but life is just challenging....

Another friend... Lady Kano was also having her problems. Didn't know she was also havin that kind of problems... cos she looks great and strong outside... now i understand her more tho. Cheer up friend ^^

The best things in life is not always having what you want but appreciating what you have... but there is one thing i want tho i appreciate it. Somehow i am a bit scared whether will i have it or not. Having it will be challenging to both parties but i promise that i will be strong and stand by it. Personally that is what i want... i don't know what she wants yet tho... i just hope things will be clear and at the moment still great friends...

Respect... somehow this is something i lost... not that i don't respect anyone but it seems that i have become "nobody", invisible and unacknowledged... I've been trying hard and being sincere... it's time really the cost? sometimes i think it's rather unfair... to look back into history...a lot i regretted but it's just too late... we can't never go back to change anything tho..

BUT one thing we can do... i can do... is to look forward, be the best and do my best and being sincere. If people don't give a damn... i still hope there is at least an appreciation.. at least the most powerful word... "thank you"... i didn't ask anyone for anything much... only appreciation and time where you can get together along well....

How i miss my old friends... don't really communicate them much... as we got further... we get distant as well... Daniel, Wira, Faisal, Sharen, Ken, Leong... haha... sometimes i wonder do i have any true friends... or real ones....

But right now maybe i at least have some good chattable friends online or in uni...but we don't normally go out... not to forget my housemates who had been colourful at times....

Working did made me "suspended" for a while... but it deprived me of my study time. Well i need money tho... lots of things to invest and buy. Hehe... Tomorrow is saturday and i am working OT again. I tot they'd pay my daily tho since we're part timers... guess had to wait till the end of the month...

Ending my diary entries for now...

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Started working lu ~ / Happy?  

Thursday, January 10, 2008

I started working yesterday at 9am in SS2 as a Project Coordinator in Dynamic Search. Was blur the first and i was also teased by my boss for having a small eys. Haha... well i don't mind tho... worked overtime till 7 pm as well and i was damn hungry. That day it was probably one of the most depressing days cos i was ignored... well not really, she forgot to bring her mobile out... and well i suffered blindly... haha well... now she has known my pain so well i better be "guai" or else i cham liaw... haha... don't know why i also so stupid put my weakness for her to read.... =_=

My health is at risk again. Bleeded painfully just now. Hell been careless and uncontrolled the past week. Now had to be careful again. Tomorrow is Friday and i had to be in Uni by 8am from now on to attend BK A. I think i might go solo for a number of projects. I'm confident this year because i had to strive for a goal. I should have done it long ago... well blame my laziness and blame "*******"...

Probably going to church this sunday with Janice... see how "rajin" i am first la... heheh... Signing off today's blog. Tired talking the whole day at work. Live happy and everything will be lucky.

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Day 2 of new semester...  

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

It's day two of this semester and well things are starting to pile up. Ran up and down fixing a number of things. My BK A where it was forgotten, documents, notes and subjects that are to be replaced for thursday. Met up Mr Renu and have a long chat with him.... he marked my PMB and O level papers. Then i met up Eunice and had a long chat as well. Wau, she had grown bigger. Well thats what happens when one eat and sleep too much.Hehe...

Todays subject was i must say... tough. Almost similar to Psycholinguistics and i think a lot of people will had a hard time. My tutorials friends went to KTV today and im not invited :'( .. well maybe i shouldn't be there tho... or was it that my voice was too terrible... anyway skip this part and it's best to forget it...

Almost met up Kailin today where i was asked to help her with an advert looking for three housemates. Man, she had to tanggung the three empty slots till someone comes... poor kailin...

I commited a sin today. Somethings i shouldn't do as in it is against my principles... but well it wont happen again... Hehe i hope no one would ask or know.. though there are evident witness... :X

Louis Louis...

Had cucur udang which didn't taste good, and a chicken and beef pita and quail eggs. Is it quail? i dunno eh... gosh i seem to take in too much eggs this days... if Faisal were to read this he would have nagged me.. XD

End of todays diary entry. Heart didn't felt good... it was in pain... not emotionally but physically painful. Need to exercise more... tomorrow will be having my job interview again. I need it a lot and i when i got my wages... had to treat someone at Seasons... haha... wonder will it come true... its so vague...

LLT projects were given as well... i requested to work alone... why? maybe just to rid myself of some thoughts in case i failed. Succeed or not that project will both help me tackle some things emotionally. Hope i will win.... well i still got a week to decide what to well Louis, YOU CAN DO IT!!!

End of todays blog...

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Jewel - Ayumi Hamasaki  

Under the grey and square sky
Is filled with all kinds of desires today
But I don't lose sight of the light among them
And can walk, looking forward
Because you always show me
That there remains a purity even in a corner of this city

Breathing calmly, I looked at you
Who had fallen asleep, so exhausted
The sweet, unprotected profile
That no one in the world but me knows

One day when the sunlight poured and the wind blew gently
As if it were nothing special
I felt alone that something was changing in me
Slowly, firmly and surely

Though I wasn't sad at all, tears fell down
Because your feelings sank painfully into
The scar in the depth of my heart
And changed it into tenderness

If you come across deep sorrow
I wish you will share it with me
I'll be able to do anything for the smile
My precious treasure
My precious treasure

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My life, my family  

Sunday, January 6, 2008

2008 marks the 10th year where my family was in bankrupt mode. Life was a long serious of struggle. I never know how my dad felt and it was lately when i "matured" that i understood the hardships of my family. Flashback into my history...

1997 was the time when we're rich in a sense that my dad was only a farmer. Dad brought us to Singapore and KL and it was my first trip outside Brunei crossing the seas. To recall back 10 years as much i can remember.... we went to singapore first then KL. I still remembered where i cant stand the pain of my ear... and now i still can get used to it. The pain even lasted two hours once. I remember the hotel we stayed was Sg Wang hotel... if im right and we went the furthest i guess is Batu Caves. Bird shit dropped on my brothers hand tht time as i can remember adn there was one indian song i fancy that time.

Many thanks to a taxi driver who was willing to be out tour guide. Ten years i wonder if he is still alive.Oh yeah,i also remembered we went up Genting that time. Funny thing was my bro dropped his tooth there and i at an age of 11 was brave enough to talk to an officer there to get my dad.Haha... i tot that casino was gone when i went there again and i didn't know there were more than one casino!!! Well two nights ago me and my friend went there cos Sze Sze was there applying a card. I was so happy to see the outside of the casino. I remember every moment when i was ten years ago. I tear creeped out a bit rejoicing my young happiness. Nobody knew it. I wish to share with Yu hua telling her but somehow i don't know why i can't move forward...Only she knew my story since i shared with her before. I did told CIndy too that time but they don't seem interested. Haha... maybe it was only me that will understand this childlike happiness... i wish i could stay there longer a bit but we had to catch up to watch some 4D show.

Other memories include the Lot 10 and Sg Wang... where the song Lemon Tree was a hit that time. They had a man made lemon tree there. I also remembered the watch shop that my dad brought his Christa Carol watch. Free one bag which looks lavish and well its genuine leather. i bring that too school often til it got old and my mum asked me to threw it. I was reluctant... for i loved leather... even my watch is leather strap.

We had our first japanese meal there and haha...somehow i steal remembered i dropped a watermelon there...>< I think that is what i can remember during those 3 days there.

Somehow... im in tears again blogging down here. Our next three days was in Singapore. I remebered going to Orchard Road where it rained heavily and took my first bus. There was also Har Par Villa and i got scared seeing the levels of hell. Still remembered them. There is also a wishing well there and i told my mum i want to wish.... i mean i wished to be a clever boy and useful person. Looking right now... i failed a lot. Stupid and not so useful... always kena scoled " Ni she ge ren yi jing mei you yong!"...

We also had a trip to Sentosa Island and water world. My 2nd bro saw a frog and we all went there have a look. Then my dad got pissed and said " Damn it! Spend thousands of dollars and all you want to see is a frog!" and this incident travelled back to Brunei where my relative said " never seen a frog is it?" Well i'm fond of frogs now... a loyal fan to Keroro Gunso.XD

Can't remember much. Oh yeah i once got lost in KL tower. Parents was in 7th floor and i was shitting in ground floor. Dad left me go alone and when i go back.. i couldnt remember where i was. Kinda panic and yay i did meet up my parents. Now i have a habit of getting lost... Memang tau the place sure big still pok meng to discover.

Those six days was great. I wish i dared to say Thank You to my dad...

Well back to my original story. Well before 1997 when i was around 3 - 5 years old. Family was poor as well. Was in Sabah that time. Damn poor. Dad got cheated by so called friends a number of times. No wonder dad dun like my friends and dun like me doing things for friends. " there is no such thins as friends. They only use you. When you got money.. they find you. No money. Bye Bye" I had some characteristics similar to my dad. Easily cheated and taken advantage of...and very offensive. I hope i wont be like my dad when i get married. And i hope my dad will still got new friends even though he is old now. I had a girl i fancy and adored. Though i still a mouse at times in front of her... but i wish to grow old with her too. She was a beautiful person and i even started to like her parents tho hell i never meet them. She must have great parents or else she wont be that great too. Hope my parents... would make good friend hers...haha. :X. I wonder if i will have a future with her pun... a lot of challenges to go through with her. As they once said, the most challenging ones are always the best ones...

When we were on the verge of death, was happy that an malay family helped my dad. I am very glad and appreciate the persons good intentions. That person is dead now and i hope God will give him a high place in heaven, And i swore that if i got rich, i will find them and give them a lot of money. It's d only way i can repay them.

Fast forward to 1997 again... yeap ecomomic crisis and greed destroyed my family. We were left pennyless. Luck was on my dads side and well again... because of greed, we got destroyed again. I hope my dad learnt his lesson if we had one more luck. Just one more luck that is all we need...

I have a confession to made. Well it was in 1997 also. I stole my dad's money often.... and once so stupid where i stole it directly from my dads wallet. Obviously caught and i blame it on my youngest bro. Was caught the second day. Got beaten severely and i guess i hurt my family a lot. One thing about me is... im not a good liar... and well...maybe im too soft hearted so i never cant lie. I just suck at time. IM not a good brother also. Was very selfish that time... very selfish. Now all adults lo... relationship getting better. they even do better than me. felt both useless and proud...

Continuesly over the years i disappoint my family till my dad said " you're dead in my heart. No longer my son..." I don't care what he said then. And it was only now when i blogged.. i felt the pain...

i wish i could say thank you and sorry to my dad. He is old now and i hope i have the chance to say it to him. I rarely talked to him since 1997... hate myself for being a useless son. So lagging and no common sense... always kena scold. Rarely did anything right. somehow i like 2008, i hope it will have the guts to say it on fathers day. god i pray for my families health and safety..

Ending it now before i go boohoo. haha...sigh....

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Characteristics of a tiger...  

Saturday, January 5, 2008

COURAGEOUS - yes i am to some extents and most situations are where i got too thick-faced.

ADVENTUROUS - Yeah i like adventure a lot...and i got lost often when going to new places...

Self-confident - depends where i am... there are times when i am a coward too

Enthusiastic - again it depends what am i doing.Keke

EASILY FORSEE PROBLEMS but RARELY ABLE TO FIX IT - that's true... i can detect all sorts of problems and even future ones and well... rarely can fix it...

demand ATTENTION and tend to CONSTANTLY prove themselves - Em... maybe its because i often got ignored so i demanded attention? i dunno if i am constantly trying to prove myself...

Moody and at times vivacious, they are reckless with the heart matters - this i must admit that...i often didn't care about other people feelings. I often did tho.. maybe my actions just didn't prove my intentions...

Generous friend - generous? maybe... sometimes i just think that i got taken advantage of... but i enjoy helping my friends

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Yeap i felt good this morning. Tomorrow will be a challenging day to start with. Today i'll be cleaning up my home again before the girls come back and later rest for the last few moments... Things to remind myself~

-Take things easily

-Evaluate a problem first before getting too worried

-Be punctual and not get late else i pray something bad would happen to me

-Have a cheerful smile every morning. Happiness is the key to a healthy lifestyle.

Cheer for tomorrow!!!

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Tangled thoughts...  

I was suppose to sleep now but i can't.. head was too pain and mind was thinking a lot. so its better to blog it out so i will feel good. well in fact im blogging with my eyes closed now cos im juz cant open them for long. lucky i type often so my natural senses were satisfactory.

Well i was told that i make minor problems into something big. Well to look back maybe i did a lot cos these hings are often solved in a few days or two. i just worry a lot because i dun wana get into any mess. well there is always a room for changes. Besides its 2008 so a new start for everything just throw everything behind and move forward. The importance lies in the future... not what you commit yesterday.

I guess maybe i should just keep things to myself and let it out when it gets serious or too late. Maybe my problems in just different. well it may be the same problem but the background of the person may affect how the person deal with the prob.I have this vast difference. Somehow i owez felt unwanted or not belonging to any pact. Cos whereever i go.. it just obviously seems i seem to slot into everyone and dun have a circle to stay with. Maybe i did... but it was temporary? That was once a though i have but i shant be bothered with these... i have more serious problems i had to tackle and its been on going for a very long time... maybe it might not seem big but it matters not just to me but to someone related to me. It's hard to understand unless you been in their shoes before.

I wonder if i had a communication breakdown with a friend. Things was suppose to be okay and since its new year i tried my very best to boost up my performance. but somehow after a few tries... things don;t seem to work well. Is it me or my friend? in a way i felt invisible but to be mature, i need to understand my friends status and feelings. but one thing i dun get it is if my friend can treat others okay but why not me? I tried to get attention but i felt invisible... not there.Again to think maturely... i persume that maybe it was my relation to my friend that make this relationship awkward. Probably it was my fault all along and some how i regret it. Being honesty somehow destroyed something that... may never recover again. Was very sad with this... but now i took the stance to go damn slow. with my effort tho been wasted that day, i hope somehow it is noticed.

One thing i fear is losing it all... maybe i was too attached? But then at times i treat it as normal as possible tho. Somewhere along those lines i draw..maybe i accidently lift my pen up.

Opinions... had a chat with a close friend today. A dear friend of mine who is very sweet and wonderful tends to .. just follow her friends opinions. Or to say that because she values friendship... she takes them into consideration. My friend told me maybe perhaps its her character and she will only decide on her own after every had gone their own ways. We both some how find this maybe a bit unfair to my sweet friend. Well i guess totally unfair. Forgotting oneself while sacrificing a lot. I gone through it b3fore and it aint good... i just hope i can save her. If it continues... i scared she will just being left out alone. seeing the condition, calculation and consequences. it is obvious that somehow she may regret or what. Perhaps its happy that her friends are happy and shes glad. But there are points that she didn't get. Parents always wants their child to be happy and somehow in life there is this kinda "fulfillment" we need to be done. And our parents will leave us one day. I fear that my friend would be lost if things don't turn out well. Sigh... my parents... i hope i will not disappoint them...

Oh my head... i gotta finish this before i forget them. SOmehow i felt that i was in a trap.. a trap to get rid of me. i dun knw why... but maybe it was just sumones selfish ambitions... think i think too much? well there muz be signs tht lead to this thoughts.

There is another thing my friend told me... and one i noticed....was damn jeles of it.Dear Spider i hope you never told me... makes me ARGHHHH. i hope to forget it soon. And in life that it happens.... it would be the most hurtful things to me that i may experince. i would rather dun wan my friendship with that person. It is just bloody hell too much. Well my friend said don't worry it wont happen. well i trust her since she knew both of them well more than me...

i tried being nice and i forget wht i am suppose to. but this person i guess jsut had perjudice on me. my other friend noticed too. everyword was some sort of stab. well it was a stab that one can feel if thy knew wht happened. I owez shared some high profile things which i claim it red zone with this friend. she noticed it too so obviously i cant be thinking too much. Let time pass, well if thats so i let it do then. i've tolerated a lot. and it keeps on goin in a time span of six months. dear lord forgive my soul for i will compose words so poisonous that will stab her forever. I played my role so i hope please dont push me beyond....

It sucks a lot when one is accussed. An misinterpretation of what is really said. Say like i was chatting with this guy about something. he took it differently and tell it to his friend. the probablilit of wrong msg was high. and the context wud be different. i may be talking a friend bout someone from my point of view but he may be thinking it as a whole where it is told from the point of view with me and my friend whom i talked about. Problem here was lack of understanding. and myabe this is where gossips starts? nyah... but we guys are more normal. we eat we shit n bury.
What went wrong is always when the listener thinks i thinking this while im thinking that.

** i always try to make things right but i always make it worse. this is one part of me that i really detest. why is it that way? is my medium wrong? WHen ppl do wrong to me, fine i forget it. when i accidently do wrong to the same person.. its like hell u commit a heavy sin. ==.. the ugly story of humans. Good people never had good lifes... people were just jealous of the goodness they dun have so thy go n destroy it.

Hell i cant go on now. lucky its sunday tomorrow. Hooray for my new sem. Perhaps people will not see the me anymore. as in its just not me. a new beginning is always a good chance for me to change drastically... n most ppl we re sum how surprised to my flexibility.

I might turn to catholic and get baptised sometime. why? don't know... i need help.
thts all.


Dear Lord, i hope You can create a logic for people to understand me. I pray that you can open their minds to discover more.I am tired with all these where i had to look after people.

Dear Lord, i pray not only for forgiveness but a punishment to remind me of what i did. ( but lord not too heavy please >< )

Dear Lord, i hope people can understand that i commit no harm and just want things to be right. My actions may be wrong to someone but i intend it good. One thing i dun understand is shall i rather be a good fren and let them suffer or shall i be the one that saves them but give them an impression on me.

Dear Lord, I loved a person so deeply and i hope things may find a way and get connected. I pray that strengths will be given to her cos i tried my best and still trying. If ever i was exhausted, i pray strength to hold me.

Dear God. thank you for the life and challenges you gave me for i matured...

* there is no need to understand wht i wrote... it was my feelings and thoughts from 9.34 till 10.07... written so i can forget and sleep. let tomoro be a better day i hope and perhaps i shall forgot wht i wrote about...

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Genting 4-5th January 2008  

It was a great time.We have Yu Hua, Cindy, Vianna, Yong Wei and her bf, Charine and her bf, Yi Hueih, Matthew, Seok Ping, Sze Sze, Victor and Samantha. It was a great fun that day but in the morning everyone was pissed tho. The tickets we got were wrong with the dates and its scheduled on December 24th 2008. WTH... and so we waitied for a hour plus before we depart again. CIndy was quite pissed when she found out and her memorable quote was "Macam mana? Macam mana?" with so much fury but yet with a sweet tone.XD

Hopping around the outdoor theme park were Me, Cin, Vianna, Sze Sze and Yu Hua who become our photographer through out. Played a lot of games and most were OMG to me. Best Screamer goes to Vianna especially when she was on Space Shot the tower screaming "**************". Well i hope Vianna jie had her day since she was free now. ^^ Jia you o V Jie! Scariest Scream goes to myself... man those unexpected turns really had me nuts. Victor said i screamed like "starting an engine" - "ah! ah! aah! AHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"

Dear Lord. Some moments i felt like im gonna die and i can guess how suicide would feel. Dropping down... I thought death as a solution before but lucky i didn't do it since i live on the 5th floor. Those deadly turns makes me thrilled and scared and plus happy. Screaming out my sorrows, screaming out my fears and screaming at someone...Hehe.I didn't play Space Shot... scared me a lot.

Pirate ship was first round where it wasn't hardcore enough. Got stuck with Sze Sze where she held each other tight. >< Made recordings. Vianna and Victor got extremely High and Yu Hua i guess shes like nothing cos she wasn't screamin out loud.

Then next game was some spaceship which was kiddo stuff where we turn round and round. We played the Spinner twice where the seats are dangling. Scary and wow it feels like some giant gonna swing you somewhere. My hands went numb then. The there was the Cyclone where i screamed like hell as quoted from Cindy. The ride was like you suddenly drop and got picked up again. Probably one that got me screamed like shit. Tears rolled afer the ride. >< We also hit on the Go Kart which i tot i can't handle since i got a fear in driving but afterall it was quite a bore. Flying dragon was fun too with sudden 90 degree turns. Don't remember what else i play. Yeah there was also the Mine train which i think the design was not good cos if you raise ur hand it will be gone... too low in the tunnel. The indoor games was soso. I like the roller coaster. Played twice but i got a serious muscle sprain. i can't move after the second ride. Seriously in pain. Outdoor games had slight pains but that one indoor was hell. Can't even join the bumper sadly...

Last ride was this 4D thingy... and after that i gotta go for some Yu Hua would join more if there is a next time ya. ^^ Other mates played indoors while Yong Wei and her Bf just walk around. Samantha was in the room sleeping most of the times. Yi Hueih and Seok Ping played the SPiderman thingy. Salute them both for having the guts. Haha..

At night i spend my time resting and playing cards with some of them. Slept about 1.30... headache... ><

On our way Back w matt, ping n hueih. We went nuts waving to every cable car that passes by. Some did wave back. Haha...Oh yeah hardcore players go to Victor and Vianna who got stuck repeating the rides... Man i salute em for the guts.

Well guess that was it. Hope for another trip like this. Thanks to all...

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What happened to NOW while we think of THEN?  

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Rising Five
"I'm rising five" he said
"Not four" and the little coils of hair
Un-clicked themselves upon his head.
His spectacles, brimful of eyes to stare
At me and the meadow, reflected cones of light
Above his toffee-buckled cheeks. He'd been alive
Fifty-six months or perhaps a week more;

Not four
But rising five.

Around him in the field, the cells of spring
Bubbled and doubled; buds unbuttoned; shoot
And stem shook out the creases from their frills,
And every tree was swilled with green.
It was the season after blossoming,
Before the forming of the fruit:

Not May
But rising June.

And in the sky
The dust dissected the tangential light:
Not day

But rising night;
Not now
But rising soon.

The new buds push the old leaves from the bough.
We drop our youth behind us like a boy
Throwing away his toffee-wrappers. We never see the flower,
But only the fruit in the flower; never the fruit,
But only the rot in the fruit. We look for the marriage bed
In the baby's cradle; we look for the grave in the bed;

Not living

But rising dead.

Norman Nicholson

This poem delivers a meaningful message and advise. It highlights to us that a majority of us or most of us... always worries about the future and forget what we have now. By thinking bout what is tomorrow and what is next year, we just somehow forget to appreciate what we have now.And those good things that we dun realize we have now may just fade away and when we realized it... we may just regret that we didn't appreciate it and thus we lived in the past again.

Like the last stanza where a flower blooms. We only wished and long for the fruit and we forget the beauty of the flower."We look for the marriage bed
In the baby's cradle; we look for the grave in the bed;" this line again explains that when a couple has a child, whts on their mind may seem to be that thy expect or worry how the future their child may be... and thus they forgot how to appreciate the beauty of their baby. the moment and process when thy grew up.

Thats how our life is. We only worry what happens in the future and how shall we handle it... things often dun turn out as we expected. but its good that we plan and be prepared to face the future. in addition, be brave to meet the challenges. Some of my friends did it. They dun bother much and go with the flow.. and while my worried never come true and now im in KL blogging. A place i never expect to be. To Look back ten years ago im still an idiot worrying my pri six and secondary life.and ten years from now... where would i be? Brunei, malaysia or sumwhere unexpected? A father or still a bachelor? hehe...

There is a longing wish to have a life with that someone.I once see a future but now with too much thinking and worrying it seemed a bit worrying. Logically what i think is that its better to go with the flow and plan a possible route and prepare the impossible. hehe. there is always a take and give in life.I am prepared to go with all sorts of challenges. One thing im not is my fear in driving. Lol, i wish i wud strike lottery the next week. XD

End of todays blog, hoping things will turn out to be well. Sufferings made us mature, challenges made us clever.

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