Jewel & Sapphire™

I was suppose to sleep now but i can't.. head was too pain and mind was thinking a lot. so its better to blog it out so i will feel good. well in fact im blogging with my eyes closed now cos im juz cant open them for long. lucky i type often so my natural senses were satisfactory.

Well i was told that i make minor problems into something big. Well to look back maybe i did a lot cos these hings are often solved in a few days or two. i just worry a lot because i dun wana get into any mess. well there is always a room for changes. Besides its 2008 so a new start for everything just throw everything behind and move forward. The importance lies in the future... not what you commit yesterday.

I guess maybe i should just keep things to myself and let it out when it gets serious or too late. Maybe my problems in just different. well it may be the same problem but the background of the person may affect how the person deal with the prob.I have this vast difference. Somehow i owez felt unwanted or not belonging to any pact. Cos whereever i go.. it just obviously seems i seem to slot into everyone and dun have a circle to stay with. Maybe i did... but it was temporary? That was once a though i have but i shant be bothered with these... i have more serious problems i had to tackle and its been on going for a very long time... maybe it might not seem big but it matters not just to me but to someone related to me. It's hard to understand unless you been in their shoes before.

I wonder if i had a communication breakdown with a friend. Things was suppose to be okay and since its new year i tried my very best to boost up my performance. but somehow after a few tries... things don;t seem to work well. Is it me or my friend? in a way i felt invisible but to be mature, i need to understand my friends status and feelings. but one thing i dun get it is if my friend can treat others okay but why not me? I tried to get attention but i felt invisible... not there.Again to think maturely... i persume that maybe it was my relation to my friend that make this relationship awkward. Probably it was my fault all along and some how i regret it. Being honesty somehow destroyed something that... may never recover again. Was very sad with this... but now i took the stance to go damn slow. with my effort tho been wasted that day, i hope somehow it is noticed.

One thing i fear is losing it all... maybe i was too attached? But then at times i treat it as normal as possible tho. Somewhere along those lines i draw..maybe i accidently lift my pen up.

Opinions... had a chat with a close friend today. A dear friend of mine who is very sweet and wonderful tends to .. just follow her friends opinions. Or to say that because she values friendship... she takes them into consideration. My friend told me maybe perhaps its her character and she will only decide on her own after every had gone their own ways. We both some how find this maybe a bit unfair to my sweet friend. Well i guess totally unfair. Forgotting oneself while sacrificing a lot. I gone through it b3fore and it aint good... i just hope i can save her. If it continues... i scared she will just being left out alone. seeing the condition, calculation and consequences. it is obvious that somehow she may regret or what. Perhaps its happy that her friends are happy and shes glad. But there are points that she didn't get. Parents always wants their child to be happy and somehow in life there is this kinda "fulfillment" we need to be done. And our parents will leave us one day. I fear that my friend would be lost if things don't turn out well. Sigh... my parents... i hope i will not disappoint them...

Oh my head... i gotta finish this before i forget them. SOmehow i felt that i was in a trap.. a trap to get rid of me. i dun knw why... but maybe it was just sumones selfish ambitions... think i think too much? well there muz be signs tht lead to this thoughts.

There is another thing my friend told me... and one i noticed....was damn jeles of it.Dear Spider i hope you never told me... makes me ARGHHHH. i hope to forget it soon. And in life that it happens.... it would be the most hurtful things to me that i may experince. i would rather dun wan my friendship with that person. It is just bloody hell too much. Well my friend said don't worry it wont happen. well i trust her since she knew both of them well more than me...

i tried being nice and i forget wht i am suppose to. but this person i guess jsut had perjudice on me. my other friend noticed too. everyword was some sort of stab. well it was a stab that one can feel if thy knew wht happened. I owez shared some high profile things which i claim it red zone with this friend. she noticed it too so obviously i cant be thinking too much. Let time pass, well if thats so i let it do then. i've tolerated a lot. and it keeps on goin in a time span of six months. dear lord forgive my soul for i will compose words so poisonous that will stab her forever. I played my role so i hope please dont push me beyond....

It sucks a lot when one is accussed. An misinterpretation of what is really said. Say like i was chatting with this guy about something. he took it differently and tell it to his friend. the probablilit of wrong msg was high. and the context wud be different. i may be talking a friend bout someone from my point of view but he may be thinking it as a whole where it is told from the point of view with me and my friend whom i talked about. Problem here was lack of understanding. and myabe this is where gossips starts? nyah... but we guys are more normal. we eat we shit n bury.
What went wrong is always when the listener thinks i thinking this while im thinking that.

** i always try to make things right but i always make it worse. this is one part of me that i really detest. why is it that way? is my medium wrong? WHen ppl do wrong to me, fine i forget it. when i accidently do wrong to the same person.. its like hell u commit a heavy sin. ==.. the ugly story of humans. Good people never had good lifes... people were just jealous of the goodness they dun have so thy go n destroy it.

Hell i cant go on now. lucky its sunday tomorrow. Hooray for my new sem. Perhaps people will not see the me anymore. as in its just not me. a new beginning is always a good chance for me to change drastically... n most ppl we re sum how surprised to my flexibility.

I might turn to catholic and get baptised sometime. why? don't know... i need help.
thts all.

*Prayers*

Dear Lord, i hope You can create a logic for people to understand me. I pray that you can open their minds to discover more.I am tired with all these where i had to look after people.

Dear Lord, i pray not only for forgiveness but a punishment to remind me of what i did. ( but lord not too heavy please >< )

Dear Lord, i hope people can understand that i commit no harm and just want things to be right. My actions may be wrong to someone but i intend it good. One thing i dun understand is shall i rather be a good fren and let them suffer or shall i be the one that saves them but give them an impression on me.

Dear Lord, I loved a person so deeply and i hope things may find a way and get connected. I pray that strengths will be given to her cos i tried my best and still trying. If ever i was exhausted, i pray strength to hold me.

Dear God. thank you for the life and challenges you gave me for i matured...


* there is no need to understand wht i wrote... it was my feelings and thoughts from 9.34 till 10.07... written so i can forget and sleep. let tomoro be a better day i hope and perhaps i shall forgot wht i wrote about...