Wednesday, June 25, 2008
It was wednesday today. It just rained outside lightly. I remember once someone said that when it rains, its a good thing. Not sure bout that but i don't see anything well today.
I wonder what happened today. I don't really felt good. It was painful day that i don't understand and soon all pains that im trying to forget came back bullying me again. T_T. I shared my feelings to a dear friend and i didn't know she did came for me. Felt guilty for making her stood there and wait. It was when i decided that i want to talk she walked away. Worse is i somehow .... just make things worse. Spoiled her day i guess. Anyway im suffering now whilst typing this blog. Hate this feeling.
Felt really useless that why i must behave this way. Is it because the pain that once tore me is too immense? Was in small tears again today. Is it the environment?? what i see and so the things just trigger?
What is it? Guilt, fear, anger or what? No one wants to be unhappy. I'm trying to be open-minded... im trying my best to smile but trying seems to be a failure. Indeed things had changed. To remind of the so called "happy" past makes me hurt. I do know that what must be done and had to be done. i have someone to support me to heal n take time. but how long must it take? it seems that certain things are too "evil" to forget off.
Still i pained once in a while. Even the laughter and smiles seem to be a pain. Why? Cos sometimes i felt like an accidently slaughtered goat and revived back without saying sorry! There some parts maybe i deserve a slap but things have gone too far at certain points in life.
How many ass would take the guts to speak up and face terrors? I did the impossible. The idiocy. People walking around as if they never do wrong, thinking they are INNOCENT. WTF. Whats more is this quote that i remember n i detest a lot. " can't believe that in this world got this kind of people"
WTF. WHO ARE YOU??? WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE??? Having ask that question? Why am i to be sad that i must go though this miserable suffering when it was just some bitch that said it???
Lots of things went to my mind. Hate it a lot. How much longer need i suffer to get rid of it????
Again i am to face some things in the future. Some facts that i hope i can accept without pains. It is painful indeed but i hope it will change.