Sunday, June 1, 2008
Another year went by and now im 22 years old. So much to say, so much to think. It's a long journey that i have made and finally adulthood. How much have a accompalish? How much have i failed and defeated? How good or bad have i been? It's debatable and what i claim myself may not be what other people think but does it matter? A mixture of feelings floats around these days until today. Tonight. The last year when i was 21. Since then, i can say its the beginning of problems and...i must say i have been very unhappy most of the time.
How have i been? A lot of changes takes place during the past one year. Emotional and well... just the way i have been on and off. Been trying my best at that age but i seem to flunk a lot of things. It was probably a hard year with the blade cutting through my heart almost everyday. A lot of unfairness too and well... maybe life just isn't for everyone. I have... to some extent improve myself but other aspects destroyed myself too.
I guess one of the changes that occured to me was family values. I used to get away as far as possible from them but now.. time changed how people behave. Family had become an important asset to me and i do hope that i have a chance to pay them back lavishly. I hoped to save enough money to bring them to travel and eat good food. My family.. had been in a poor state for 11 years. Hard life i go true and its true to say that no one would understand how bad it is. Earn a day, live a day. Being the eldest, my role will come soon. Though i've lived through a hard life where i guess i dun even have a teen or childhood life. I don't really blame that but am proud. Although some traumatic experience made the unhappy me of what i am now.
Maturity comes a long when we had bad experiences and troubles. It's hard to measure how mature we've become because different people just view it differently. I had my mature n imature times. Just behave differently to different time.
Love and relationships? I think i have been a failure in one circle and now i don't think i have a circle now. Do i really have friends? I do have some but the feelings is...maybe i just expect too much. I envy , i am jealous at times but i have to constantly remind myself some things. It's just a different world i am living in. Love story... well. i can only give a tear and smile for it. :) Friendship. Just let things go by. Afterall....maybe life isn't for everyone
But along the way when im down. I do manage to have some virtual friends that.. maybe made me happy. I don't i really am but... it's better than nothing. However.... well im quite contradicting...
How bad have i been? God knows and i do know i deserved to be punished.
the 22nd year of my life is approaching. There is just so much that i want and need. Expect and reject. Hard to be satisfied i guess. HUman nature.I don't have anything so i think i have the right to chase what i want? Sounds a bit selfish or mean tho. I just want to be happy and i didn't even harm anyone. :(
Like the many years i went through. I hope some things and change things. I hope i can forget. Cos i just remember too much. the unhappiness and hatred and anger. So many things in my heart. I wish i can let go one by one. ANother thing i hope is happiness. To be better than everyone and most importantly myself. Other wishes are just hard to get. Use to believe a sincere heart gets a good blessing but....
Guess today is just another normal day to go by. ^^ Like yesterday and today and tomorrow. It's hardly been a special and memorable time. Just live and wish ^^.I don't know.*shrugs* I just hope i can be happy and not disappoint and let down myself.
Louis Louis Louis. 22. your 22!!!! And ...
I felt like crying now. T_T