Jewel & Sapphire™

I'm always on the move for a change... God knows how many changes that i've made throughtout my time... some good... mostly worse... but things do get better at times. There are however certain habits that are difficult or just refuse to change no matter what i do. Maybe i just lack some support for the change...

Jump into my kindergarden years~
I DO NOT KNOW WHY THE HELL I REMEMBER A LOT... i still remember those awful things and worse i'm blogging it out which makes me even remember more... T_T somehow these things just stay... maybe i remember them so that i wont let it happen to my children? haha... i don't know. that time i was in a malay kindergarden and i was the only chinese there. Racism was around and there was simply a communication barrier... some bad memories still stuck in me... where some kid broke my transformer toy... and some quite embarassing moments. Haih T_T they are some traumatic ones that stay hidden in me... it may seem nothing or just cute to some people... but unless you too felt it... it wont be the same...

primary/childhood years ~

I hate em, despise them. Sometimes i wonder do i ever have one. Being restricted to go out and simply confined at home.I never been to a friends party until Form 5 where i had my first BBQ and a memorable one. There are a lot of ugly things in my childhood... i basically didn't smile much and was merely a tool or laughing stock. Bestfriends? I doubt. It seems that those time that when you have "something" you will have best friends. I was bullied and confined in a Pajero with fear every morning i go to school and when i go back. My fear was there and now it turned into so much hatred... am i so vengeful? another friend of mine was also a victim. both of us had an urge to make him suffer. The time when i was most naughty i guess was primary 4, sat with some guy and always making a lot of noises. sometimes i wonder why is it that i am always in the worst class.Perhaps the only sweet of funny memory that held with me was my first kiss in primary one? it's on the cheeks tho and it was sorta "asked" by this bully in a car. I dun knw, its weird... that girl left CHMS in primary four to be exact and i wonder where is she now. I wrote a poem for her last year where she suddenly appeared in my dream. Hope she is well and happy. Another was a puppy love towards a classmate in pri 2 or 4.. i think its 4. found her contacts last year but she only replied my email twice. haha... shes doing medicine now. Primary days... i don't know... sometimes i think im matured faster than those kids. I was a hardcore reader in primary 4 or 5 too. goosebumps and fear street... i read a hell lot those days.hm~ i also remembered i was punched on the nose when i was in pri 6. Whatever happen those time... it was not really happy. suffer a lot too... being the eldest son... was beaten a lot by my mum.haha... pri 5 was not a good time....again... it was just something that dragged and ruined my life...

secondary years...
I too hate it...again a laughing tool for 5 years and those years i was just like a fool. however.. i din knw if it was karma... i gained positive support from teachers and well was successful in a way. i remembered i cheated once in form 5 and i confessed. got suspended and again it was a terrible time for my parents. i sjust tarnished my image... but many still trust me... honesty is the best policy among them... i don't know... sigh.. why is my life always so sad, there is nothing happy that i could remember... the only solace was music and books. Good friends i have a few.. and im glad to have them still... tho most times they wallop me. still a laughing stock but i dun mind...

college years...
it is yet another awful time but i decided to keep it high profile. those who knows.. knows... guess im just unlucky??? god knws... but i do have fault too but then hey... i really memang tak tahan leh... Leong if u are reading this.it's the time when novel was around too and of course you know what i fear.. haha... lord im so naive then. but well let bygones be bygones... i was still young then... i don't know what i enjoyed most that time but my time in Literature class was the best and geography as well. and those lunch times b4 history class where i often chatted with my friends.

university life...
a very depressing moment where it almost drive me to suicide...seriously. but thank god i didn't.... many things happen. happy days are lost n short lived but one thing i appreciate is the lessons i learn and how drastic i've grown to be. i learned a word to describe me and i wish i wasnt...melanchonic... sigh. whtever happens... i hate it.. but i dun really knw whts d cause... selfishness and self-excitement? i never meant any harm tho. It was this time i realize the ugly side of humans. people can be so disgusting mentally and this brought me to the real world. Must we be cruel to be successful?

I don't know... i just know that i din enjoyed more than i suppose to enjoy. right now at least i have a vision of what i really wanted. to earn it will be tough but well there is no one to care for everyone is thinking bout themselves. it's not wrong to be selfish... if we keep on thinkin bout other ppl ... wht do we have for ourselves rite?

1.5 years to go... and sometimes i wonder if it is too late for me to do somethings. but well no use thinkin bout it so i've been starting since the year begins. some chances only come once, never twice. academic is one aspect and i didn't had a good start. but now well i can only do my best. one thing im proud of i guess is that i finally know what i want and need. Financial is always another problem... but my parents assured me these words... " if we can send you to kl to study, means we can fund ur expenses. do not worry about wht is happening at home, u think too much. you just study hard and play your role". i played too late.... but i wont give up...
well im working part time now... tho its stressful but well hardwork always lead you to somewhere else. Love... it was painful yet happy. I never thought i would be so........ but sigh... let time decide whats there. the only thing i can do is to assure myself and the person im loving that i can do it... and i will do it! friends... maybe good ones only exist in my mind where msn is the only medium i had. skills... always improving... i'll never stop... religion... my idea changed drastically... i dun knw wht happen...haha...

i wish i can forget some hateful thoughts. its always the same story... maybe there is injustice? but then whts the point of gettin justice back? maybe its best left aside. as long as i know that i am right or what... it's okay? maybe the world is simply like this... and i do get disappointed with human nature... but well if the world is always a lie around... let those lies be happy ones and never found...

SIgh~ MeLaNcHoNiC lOuIs...i dun knw why it is so painful to blog this out. my blog has been gettin emotional a lot. i wish there is some place i can go and hide or simple a place for me to be disconnected from those problems.. but still im mentally attached...


To know what is happiness,
we need to know what is sadness,
to know how to appreciate,
we need to lose...
but will we be given the chance to appreciate again for what we lost?